Parenting can be a lot of hard work and co-parenting can be even more of a challenge. Deciding where your child is spending birthdays and holidays can be difficult for even the most amicable parents. But if you’re trying to co-parent with a narcissist, being a good parent can feel almost impossible.
How to Tell if Your Co-Parent has Narcissistic Tendencies
Co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies can be incredibly demanding because they often have:
- An exaggerated sense of self-importance
- A strong craving for attention and validation
- A pattern of unstable or intense relationships
- A deep inability to empathize with others
All these characteristics are the opposite of the traits needed to be a good parent and have a positive family dynamic. You may find that the co-parent tries to use your child against you, doesn’t agree to suggested arrangements, or refuses to act agreeably, even for the sake of your child.
While you may have a connection to this person, at least until your child becomes an adult, there are things you can do to make co-parenting a little bit more bearable and successful.
10 Tips to Successfully Co-Parent with a Narcissist
- Make Peace With It
If the other parent has been behaving narcissistically for some time, it’s unlikely they’re going to change. It’s best to accept the situation and understand that you’ll have to co-parent with someone you may not get on with.
- Set Clear Boundaries
Make a specific list of what’s okay and what isn’t when it comes to co-parenting. Never give in, no matter how pushy your co-parent is. It’s a good idea to get the boundaries in writing so you can refer back to them if you need to.
- Take Advantage of Court Services
Think about requesting a court to appoint a guardian ad litem (GAL). This is a neutral person who has the best interests of your child in mind. They can make recommendations to the court based on what your child needs.
- Make a Legal Plan
Put together a legally-binding plan that covers exactly how things are going to work. It can include things like who pays for medical costs, visitation schedules for holidays, everyday custody agreements, etc. Get it in writing as clear as possible so there are no gray areas.
- Relinquish Some Control
Don’t try to control how your co-parent looks after your child when they’re in the co-parent’s custody. As long as your child is physically, emotionally, and mentally safe, leave the co-parent to do their half of parenting on their own.
- Help Your Child Understand
Talk to your child and help them understand why their other parent behaves the way they do. Remember to keep the talks age-appropriate. Help your child see that their parent’s behaviour is about them and isn’t because of anything the child does or says.
- Watch What You Say
Be careful about what you say about the other parent in front of your child. Try not to say anything negative or confusing in front of them. It can make your child feel like they have to pick sides, which is something you should avoid. Be aware that your child may overhear things you say about your co-parent to friends and family, too.
- Stick to Written Communication
It can be easy to say something you quickly regret when talking to your narcissistic co-parent in person or over the phone. If you find it difficult to communicate with them, stick to written messages, like email or text. Communicating via written messages means you can reply when it’s convenient for you and you have a record of everything.
- Avoid Arguments
It’s practically impossible to win an argument with a narcissist, so avoid them completely. Always keep your answers clear and short without emotion when you sense tension. Don’t explain yourself or give too much information that could be used to further an argument.
- Keep Your Child Out of it
Your child is the most important thing in this situation. Don’t involve them in any conflict with your co-parent.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies is no easy task, but it’s certainly not impossible. You may not be able to change your co-parent’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to it. With patience, consistency, and the proper strategies, you can come through this challenging situation while providing a loving, stable environment for your child at the same time.
